Shinobi Air
by T. W. Patchwork
Summary: The Akatsuki and the Naruto crew have both won trips to Hawaii! But not every thing is a day in Paradise, especially when you have to go through hell to get there. Rated for Hidan's mouth and Jiraiya's antics. AU kind of ish


_Greetings! T.W. here. This story is my first crack fic. I do not own any of the Naruto cast cause if I did, world domination would already be mine. But they aren't and I'm just a regular person. However, the storyline and future torture of the Naruto crew are mine. But enough of my blathering...like the crack commence!_

**whatever**--black zetsu

**_"whatever" _**--Shukaku/kyuubi

"whatever"--everyone else

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"Hey, Sasuke, look what I got!" Naruto barreled into the black-haired emo, waving a colorful brochure. He snatched it out of the blonde's hand and stared at the beautiful photos of palm trees and crystal blue beaches. "It says that if I won a trip to Hawaii!"

"Dobe, you won a _family _trip for TEN. You can't go!"

"Sure I can. I was going to ask a bunch of shinobi to come with me. I was wondering if you would come. The only catch is that we have to travel by something called an 'airplane'."

Sasuke glanced at the gorgeous resort that awaited them half way across the world. He sighed. "Sign me up. I need a vacation. And going by 'airplane' doesn't sound too bad. It says that the trip is nine hours instead of the six days it would normally take…though I have no idea what an airplane is."

"What are you two looking at?" Sakura peeked over Sasuke's shoulder. Naruto grinned at her.

"I won a trip to Hawaii. Want to come?"

"Can't. I have a mission tomorrow."

"How many more spots do you need to fill, dobe?"

"Well, I invited Gaara, Lee, Pervy Sage, Grandma Tsunade, Kakashi-sensei, Neji, Shino, and Kiba. Plus you and me. That makes ten."

Sasuke cracked a rare smile. "This will be interesting. What time do we need to be at," he glanced at the brochure again, "the Shinobi Air airlines?"

"Four in the morning for our flight at six."

"I better get packing then."

**Somewhere far away and a little to the right…**

"Deidei, look what Tobi got!" The orange masked member of the Akatsuki shoved a vibrantly colored pamphlet under his very annoyed superior's nose.

"I told you to throw away the junk mail, Tobi!" Deidara snarled.

"But Tobi is a good boy! And Tobi would be a very bad boy if he threw away a trip to Hawaii!!"

"What?! Give it!" The arsonist grabbed the glossy fold-up from the excited ninja. He chuckled. "Tobi is a very _good_ boy, yes he is. Come on, let's go show Leader-sama!"

#

"No way in HELL am I going on a vacation with you idiots!" Pein slammed the now rumpled brochure on his desk.

"Why not?" argued Deidara. "We've been going on missions left and right. Plus it's free." Kazuku perked up at the mention of a free ride.

Deidara continued, "The resort is right on the beach." Kisame smiled.

"There will be plenty of tourists so we'll blend in easily." Hidan rubbed his hands in glee at the prospect of hundreds of sacrifices walking around.

"And the Botanical Gardens and the Carpenters Convention are within walking distance from the hotel." Sasori and Zetsu looked at each other.

"They also have a Museum of Origami." Konan glanced at Pein, pleading with her eyes that they go on this trip.

"Fine. Let's have a show of hands. If only one other person votes no, we aren't going. Yes votes?" Every member but Itachi raised their hand. Pein smirked, satisfied. "There. We aren't going."

A collective groan shook the room. Itachi opened his eyes. "Sorry, what were we talking about? I dozed off."

Pein's eye twitched.

"We won a trip to Hawaii for ten. Pein asked how many of us wanted to go. You were asleep during the voting." Kisame explained to his partner.

"Hawaii? Hell yeah, I want to go. I've been trying to save up for a private vacation there. When do we leave?"

Konan beamed. "We have to be at the airport at four in the morning to catch our plane at six."

There was a round of high-fiving and shouts of "Awesome" and "Sweet". Then Tobi popped the question. "What's an airplane?"

#

"Why the fuck did we have to get up so early?" Hidan whined. Itachi sighed deeply. Kisame who was propped up by his sword let out a snore that would have drowned out a chainsaw.

Konan answered him. "We have to check our bags and go through security. It takes a while to board the plane too."

"Why the hell did you need to bring all six of your bodies?! You are wasting valuable money!" Kazuku yelled at the fat Pein.

"Stuff it, you moron. I paid out of pocket for myself. Zetsu, get Tobi on his leash!"

"Already done. **All seven straps in place.**"

"Yeah!" The hyper ninja pulled at the end of the restraint.

"Wait." The group turned to glare at Sasori as only sleep deprived people can do. After all, he was the only one who didn't require any shut eye. The puppet-master pointed at a van similar to the one that had dropped them off at the terminal. "Look." The van stopped, opened its doors, and an eerily familiar bunch of ninjas got out. It took them half a second to realize the identities of the new arrivals.

"It's the Kyuubi, the Hokage, the Kazekage, the Toad Sage, the Copy Ninja, Itachi's emo freak of a brother, Spandex boy, and some other random brats!"

The other group was quick to identify the missing-nins as well. "Holy crap! It's Chuckie, the walking plant, Jaws's love child, the guy with ADHD, Sasuke's emo freak of a brother, and other people I can't remember the names of!"

They stared at each other for a long moment. Then Pein and Tsunade stepped away from their groups to parley. "We don't want any trouble. We are just here for a vacation." Tsunade spoke first.

"Same here. Let's call a truce for the duration of our trip. I'd rather not have to deal with screaming civilians at four in the morning. Deal?"

"Deal." They shook hands and walked back to their groups to begin the check-in process. If only they knew that it was to be the beginning of an adventure so horrible that it would scar their minds forever and force them to spend hideous amounts of money on therapists…

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_Congrats! You've made it this far. Now please review. I am open to suggestions so if you have a devious plan in mind, I will be glad to implement it._


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